Name That Beast!

Genesis, Chapter 2, v. 19-20, The Old Testament

And God said, “Let us make Man in our own image after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and the birds in the heavens, and the cattle and every crawling thing that crawls upon the earth…And the Lord God formed out of the Earth every beast of the field and every fowl of the heavens, and he brought each to the Man to see what he would call it, and whatever the Man called a living creature, that was its name. And the man gave names to all the cattle and to the fowl of the heavens and to all the beasts of the field.”

From the Book of Horus and Andromedea, Testament of the Divine Dolphin

And the Divine Dolphin said, “Let us make Dolphins in my own image, and let them have dominion over the mackerel, squid, and jellyfish so they may eat them, and let them frolic and dance adorably on the surface of the waters and utter clicks, whistles, shrieks, and rattles. And God formed out of the Earth every fish and every crustacean and every invertebrate and every ocean-dwelling mammal, and He brought each one to Horus and Andromeda, the First Dolphins, and whatever clicks or whistles or shrieks or rattles they called them became their name. And so the First Dolphins gave names to all the fish and all the crustaceans and all the invertebrates and all the aquatic mammals, but the names were just a bunch of clicks and whistles and shrieks and rattles and no one else could understand them and did not care. And as for the land-dwelling creatures, they all left the First Dolphins alone, except for the hairless bipeds who made strange vocalizations but could not click, whistles, shriek, or rattle, so they called him “the thing with cameras.”

From the Bow Dow Dao, Book of Dog

And the Old Dog said, “Let us make Dogs in our own image, and let them have dominion over the backyards and the dog parks. And the Old Dog gave every beast of the field a scent and brought each to Rex, the First Dog, who smelled their assholes and however each living creature smelled, that was its scent. And so the cats were called “Vicious Temperament Poop in Boxes,” and the mice were called “Little Stinkies Who Hide in Walls,” and the hairless bipeds who filled their Dog bowls were called “Good Smelly Parts in the Middle.” But no matter how the beasts of the field smelled, they did not smell as good as the dogs’ own feces and urine, and so they called the feces “Recycling” and they called their urine “The Message Board.” And Rex, the First Dog, barked loudly at all the fowl of the heavens and the beasts of the field until he finally peed and the Old Dog told him “Good boy!” and chucked him behind the ear and let him inside.

From movie, Godzilla: The Secret Origins

And the Lord God looked upon the Earth and said, let there be a hundred-foot lizard-like monster, and let him be called Godzilla, for I am God and "zilla" sounds kind of cool. And the Lord breathed the Breath of Life into Godzilla but he overdid it and endowed Godzilla with blue-ish nuclear breath, which proved to be a problem when he showed every beast of the field and bird of the air and fish of the sea to Godzilla, for instead of naming them, he incinerated them with his nuclear breath. And the Lord created furless bipeds and the furless bipeds built cities and Godzilla walked among the cities and destroyed them along with tens of thousands with his breath and his tail, and so Godzilla came to represent the horrors of nuclear war, and urban renewal. And the Lord said, “I might have screwed up on this one, even worse than stinkbugs,”

From the Testimony of the Divine Cockroach

And the Divine Cockroach said, “Let me make a cockroach in my own image, and let him be named Lester, and the Divine Cockroach brought unto Lester the dinosaurs who lived in the swamps and the inland lakes and the primordial bogs, and asked Lester to name them, which he probably did, but how would we know? For then a great meteor crashed into someplace in Mexico, and annihilated the dinosaurs who dwelled in the swamps, lakes, and bogs, but Lester and the cockroaches survived. And when new birds of the air and fish of the sea and cattle and things that crawl upon the earth arrived, the Divine Cockroach showed Lester all the new animals to see what he would call them, but Lester could not care less and told the Divine Cockroach, “Call them what they wilst, for I shall plague them forevermore regardless.” So, the Divine Cockroach put Lester and the cockroaches in the walls of apartment buildings and in drains and pipes in your basement and in cartons you never unpacked in the attic and gave him dominion over them. And the Divine Cockroach made unto Lester and his offspring a Sacred Covenant, promising that much as the dinosaurs were killed millions of years ago but the cockroaches survived, when the birds and fish and cattle and beast and furless bipeds that walk upon the Earth die out as the dinosaurs did, which shouldn’t take long at this rate, he will find for the cockroaches new beasts to torment and new places to dwell. And the cockroaches said, “That’s cool, but the dinosaurs did get to become birds.”

From Arbor Benedictus, the Holy Book of Trees

And the Lord said, “Let us make Trees in our own image, tall and green and leafy after My likeness, and let them have dominion over all the land. And the Lord created the birds of the air to dwell within the trees and the bees of the hive to help the trees bear fruit and the cattle and every crawling thing upon the Earth so they would consume the fruit and seed of the trees and carry those to the four corners of the earth in their bowels. And the Lord God took every bird and beast and showed them to the First Tree to see what the First Tree would call them, but the First Tree had no idea what the Lord was talking about and did not give the birds and beasts a name, although it did give itself a name, which was “Groot.” The First Tree instead spoke to the other trees in a language of root fungi and low-voltage electric signals and pheromone releases neither the birds nor the beasts nor the Lord, actually, understood, until he saw the movie Avatar. And so the Trees flourished and became numerous until the beast the Lord called Man invented newspapers and furniture and soy beans and fossil fuels, and that was about it for the trees, period, full stop.

From Propogenesis, Holy Scripture of Viruses

And the First Virus said, “Let us take strands of protein, made in our own image, and let them attach themselves to the fish of the sea and the birds in the heavens and the furless bipeds and everything else that crawls upon the earth, and let them commandeer their DNA and dwell therein so that the Viruses shall live. And the First Virus was formed out of the beasts, birds, and fish, and the pig was next to the duck who was next to the bat, and the virus jumped from one to the other and attached itself to all the beasts and all the fowl and became contagious, and delivered songs of praise to the First Virus while the animals it infected died. And when the Virus infected an animal it asked “What is this thing?,” but since the Virus could not see or smell or speak, it gave names to the creatures it infected according to their circumstances, including “Immunologically Deficient,” “Compromised Resistance,” "Drinks Bleach," and “Likes Yummy Bat.” And then the virus came to America but not everybody cared so the virus went to the motorcycle rallies and the Supreme Court nomination ceremonies and the Superbowl celebrations and some of the beasts called the virus “Chinese Flu” but the virus did not pay attention because it did not speak English, although even if it understood what it was being called it would have been offended, because even a simple strand of protein knows racism when it hears it.

The Republican Tax Program

The Senate and House Republicans valiantly opposed the rat‑race‑losing malcontents who enacted President Biden’s broad rescue package over their opposition, and are similarly adamant about the Administration’s public investment package. But, as has been the case in such diverse areas as health care, climate change, immigration, gun violence, infrastructure, deficit reduction, and insurrection, their opposition does not instruct us as to what they are for.

This “what are you for” conundrum dovetails with the party’s search for direction. While their views on transgendered woman’s place in sports and migrants interceded at the border address urgent national emergencies, the party continues to search for new ideas. But they are hampered not just by a lack of will and wit but, as one close source put it, “a profound distrust of anything substantive. Substantive ideas reek of the arrogance of elites who have had an ‘education’ and ‘experience’ and use them to ‘think.’ Two plus two equaling four doesn’t have the same caché it once did.”

So, do the Republicans have new ideas? In fact, they do, and here are some of them.

The Equipment That Doesn't Work Tax Credit. According to the Commerce Department’s economic statistics, albethey contorted by deep state Rumpelstiltskins, American business investment -- everything from lathes to computers to blast furnaces – fell for five straight quarters in 2019 and 2020. “This was one of the great successes of the Trump Administration tax program,” said former Treasury Secretary and producer of the new feature film, Me You Madness: The Sequel, Steve Mnuchin. “Instead of wasting time making risky investments in actual, but unneeded, things, our corporations used the tax cut we couldn’t afford but passed anyway to buy back their stock and to pay their shareholders dividends, which made American great again. Certainly for them.”

But given the plunge in investment, much of the private sector’s equipment is now aging and no longer works. The solution? “We need to pass a tax credit for businesses that donate their equipment that doesn't work to local community colleges or other educational institutions. Our economy's equipment that doesn't work is a hidden national treasure," says Cuthbert J. Twillie, Executive Director of the Business Coalition For The Best Economy We Could Imgine. "A tax credit for companies that donate equipment that no longer works to community colleges would give those companies an added incentive to buy new and better equipment that probably does work, while they would be giving our community colleges equipment that might once again be fully operational if they whack it on the side a little or take it to the repair shop run by those two Palestinian guys over by the industrial park. It's a classic win‑win situation."

The "Negative Income Tax". Fifty years ago, erstwhile Presidential candidate and Communist sympathizer George McGovern proposed a "negative income tax" – a tax that gave rather than took money to people below a certain level of income. Today’s populists have revived that proposal, albeit with a twist.

"Our proposal is different," explains Presidential economics advisor and Medal of Freedom winner Larson Whipsnade. "We intend to tax negative income. That is, if people go broke – or, technically, make outrageous levels negative income – we intend to tax them."

Heartless? Not according to leading conservative practitioners of the dismal science. "People who go broke represent a staggering waste of human and financial resources. So long as we encourage going broke with favorable tax treatment, we'll get more of it. We stand for letting people keep their positive income, but taxing their negative income. It’s a classic win-win situation, except for those who don’t win." They see the government’s response to the COVID pandemic as making their point. “We spent a fortune in taxpayer money to avoid business bankruptcies, and even though it prevented substantial numbers of them, it cost hundreds of billions of dollars we could have used to cut taxes for the rich and the dead. If people who went broke faced a substantial tax penalty, there’d be less whining and idleness and more going to work, even if it’s not obvious where,” said Ambrose Wolfinger, an analyst at the Uriah Heep Institute for Social Change. “It’s essential that we get this proposal into law before immigrants bring the next pandemic to our country.”

COVID State ”Service Charge.” “Too many armchair quarterbacks are criticizing former-President Trump’s reaction to the COVID-19 crisis,” says Eustace McGargle at the Lester Maddox Institute for the Study of Federalism. “His reaction to the pandemic was a stunning victory for our federalism system, in which the federal and state governments are equal partners, even if one of those partners can print twenty dollar bills at will and the other has to balance the books each year, come hell or high water. Had President Trump not forced the states to bid against each other for supplies and equipment on their own dime, there’s no telling what kind of anarchy and ineffectiveness we would have experienced.”

At the top of this list of accomplishments are the various vaccines now being distributed under President Biden. “Consider what the situation would have been if each state were responsible to develop and test its own vaccine,” McGargle argues. “There would be utter confusion. But President Trump had the wisdom to avoid that. So, when you look at it in the clear light of day, the states owe the federal government a debt of gratitude for promoting vaccine innovation, and it’s time to repay it.”

Their proposal calls for the states to repay the costs of vaccine development by imposing a “COVID service fee” on them. “We’ve already established they were responsible for masks, respirators, and a host of other equipment, so it’s illogical to let them off the hook for the vaccine itself. After all, everybody who gets the vaccine lives in a state, or a territory if they’re not white. Let the states pay the federal government a ‘COVID service fee’ for each vaccine they administer. Everybody who gets a shot in their arm not only acquires immunity, but reduces the deficit. It’s a classic win-win situation.”

The “Impeachment User Fee.” Perhaps Senator Marco Rubio said it best. “Only in the Third World do you see this habitual use of prosecutions of former leaders. You go through Latin America; virtually every immediate past president is under indictment or in jail.” Rubio mansplained his remark in The Washington Post. “It is pretty typical in the Third World that, after someone’s out of office, they lose, they leave, the party that takes power then prosecutes them. It happens all over the world. And that’s the precedent we’re creating here now,” the impish legislator remarked, explaining his vote to condone treasonous misconduct.

This insightful remark inspired economists at the prestigious Caligula Institute. Their response is a proposal for an “impeachment user fee,” akin to the fees charged for using highways or ports. “They’re really very similar,” said Edgar Sousé, a Caligula staffer said. “When people use the services the government provides, there’s broad consensus we have the right to make them pay for what they consume. Impeachment is no different. A simple fee imposed on any Member of Congress who votes to impeach a President would roll back this dangerous wave of accountability, particularly in the face of multiple impeachments, which is obvious evidence of abuse. I’m sure we can all agree with Senator Susan Collins, who pointed out after President Trump’s first impeachment, ‘I believe that the President has learned from this case. The president has been impeached. That's a pretty big lesson. And there has been criticism by both Republican and Democratic senators of his call (to the Ukrainian President). I believe that he will be much more cautious in the future.’ As she made clear in this insightful statement, a second impeachment would be a waste of time and resources for which those who voted for it should repay the nation, starting with her.”

A Personal Income Tax Deduction to the Unborn. "Everybody except the Supreme Court, the Chinese Communist Party, and the tax code recognizes the unborn are people,” argues T. Frothingill Bellows, chief economist of the Center for Faith-Based Revenue Policy. Under his proposal, families reporting unborn children would receive the same standard deduction of $2,000 as do “post-unborn” children. “Maybe extending this treatment to the unborn will eliminate the widespread practice of jumping up and down to induce labor before the tax year ends in order to gain the extra deduction for autonomously aerobicizing fetuses, or as the mainstream media calls them, babies. It’s a classic win-win situation."

But not all Republicans agree. Economists at the Torquemada Institute for Public Confession express caution regarding the proposal's interaction with other features of tax policy. "It's a fine idea," argues economist and Elmer Prettywillie, "and we support the idea that any inadvertent, helpless product of conception has the right to be brought to term, citizenship, and jury duty. But what many overlook is this -- the standard deduction is phased out at the upper income brackets, which means this proposal would give a greater incentive to poorer people to have more babies than rich people. And since we know that poor people aren't as smart or hard‑working, or for that matter attractive, as rich people, we'll just be creating a greater burden for our economy down the line."

But will the idea work? “I can only hope so,” said Charles Bogle, a seven-week fetus in Waltham, Massachusetts. “My taxes are too high already.”

Opening Day, 2048

Thursday, April 1, is Opening Day of the baseball season, a day of great interest and anticipation for we enthusiasts, and no meaning whatsoever to everybody else. From San Diego to Chicago to Queens, we wish the enthusiasts well. For everybody else, have a nice summer.

“Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m what’s left of Bob Kostas and I’m here with a computer-simulated Tim McCarver to bring you Opening Day of the 2048 baseball season, delivered to you in full holographic relief on the TikTok/Goldman Sachs/Draft Kings streaming network, live from Peloton (a division of GameStop Enterprises) Maglev Arena, ten thousand feet above beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. We have an exciting match-up to start the season today, featuring the Albuquerque Tacos Brought to You by Taco Bell (A Division of Pepsi Cola), who last year won the Teams From States That Begin With “New” or “North” Division and then swept their playoff Series with the Wilmington Amtraks, winners of the I-95 Corridor Division. They’ll be playing the West Virginia Virus Busters, who beat the Six Flags Rollercoasters in the new “everybody’s in” playoff format instituted last year. It’s New Mexico versus West Virginia and boy, can you ever feel the excitement here, ten thousand feet above Albuquerque!”

“Yes Bob, it's been five years now since baseball realigned its divisions and eliminated the DH in response to Attorney General Ocasio-Cortez's anti-trust suit, and the game is now more vibrant than ever!”

“As is evident from the special floating bleachers that have been flown in for this event and are orbiting the field as we speak. They’re eager to see a full seven innings of major league baseball! Unless, of course, one team is ahead by more than ten runs after five.”

“Well, that’s part and parcel of Commissioner Dana White’s vision for the future of the game. People were surprised when he first announced baseball didn’t need fans, but his innovative program of “virtual attendance” – in which viewers can watch the game using a camera positioned in the seat in which they would have sat – is a smash, as can be seen by the 140,000 avatars in attendance today!”

“A brilliant way to sell the same seat twice. But Commissioner White didn’t have as much luck with the second part of his program, did he, Tim?”

“No, he didn’t, Bob. People might have been prepared for baseball without fans, but they had a harder time with baseball without players, despite Commissioner White’s view that the sport could not afford them.”

“And the transition to androids and drones might have worked, but we were there, Tim, that fateful night a massive solar flare event caused the entire Cleveland Riverfires – as they are now known -- roster to burst into flames on the field.”

“It was a conflagration bigger than Disco Night, Bob, and a landmark in the history of the Club once known as the Indians, in honor of star outfielder of the 1890s and Penobscot tribe member Hugh Sockalexis. But in response to a public outcry, the Club changed its name to the Cleveland Jews, in honor of star shortstop and Jewish player manager of the 1948 Championship team, Lou Boudreau.”

“But that didn’t solve the problem, so after a few seasons, the Jews were renamed the Riverfires, after Cleveland’s famous 1969 conflagration in the Cuyahoga River. But enough history! Let’s turn our attention to today’s match-up. Tell us about our starting pitchers, Tim.”

“Will do, Bob. The eyes of the baseball world will be on the flame thrower New Mexico acquired from the Havana Marlins an hour ago, eight-foot, two-inch Bluto Savarkic, the Serbian Serpent, whose fastball now tops 120 miles per hour and is posting strike-outs at rates not seen since such legendary hurlers as Sandy Johnson and Walter Koufax pitched back before the record book was officially closed at the end of the Pre-Mutation Era.”

“And with a record of 35-0 last season, those problems with the war crimes tribunal don't seem to be bothering Bluto on the mound.”

“Bluto’s looked sharp in his pre-game warm-ups, but he’s up against the ace hurler of the West Virginia Virus Busters, who were formerly the Newark Boat People before the open relocation windows was instituted two years ago. That would be Buzz Benson, who is back from the disabled list after surgery to correct some software problems in his reconstructed right arm.”

“Shades of Pete Gray, Tim.”

“I was talking to Buzz a few moments ago, Bob, and he’s just happy that the patent infringement suit’s been settled and the arm could be reattached.”

“Yes, Tim, and he says the U.S. Special Trade Representative supports his position prohibiting the alternative operating system used by the pitching staff of the Tokyo Giants from on-the-field play.”

“Although it will be allowed experimentally in the last remaining minor league this season, Bob.”

“Which will let us see how Chinese fans react, Tim. But thanks to the Commissioner’s vigorous program of pre-game bodily fluid testing, we can say with certainty everyone playing tonight is human.”

“Which eliminates a repeat of last year’s bitter controversy involving Bizbop Fzztik, the first ballplayer to be grown out of the genetic material brought back from the Perseverance Mars Mission a few decades back. But that’s not the only baseball controversy we have. With the elimination of the old American and National Leagues, baseball’s lawyers have decided all sluggers with sixty or more dingers have to announce by Labor Day which home run record they’re pursuing —Barry Bonds’ NL standard of 73 or the 85 Alex Rodriguez hit in 2024, his remarkable comeback year.”

“It must have been JLo’s home cooking, Tim. But how about that zany Buck Belson of the Fairbanks Expos, who has announced he is shooting for 159 taters this season so he could unify the two titles?”

“No asterisk needed there! Only Baseball has that commitment to tradition, Bob.”

“That’s what makes it special, Tim. Now, let’s review the coming season for our viewers. All eyes are on the Albuquerque Tacos Brought To You By Taco Bell (A Division of Pepsi Cola). What will they do after last year, their best record since leaving Seattle?”

“I see them swapping rosters with the Juarez Walljumpers or the Winnipeg White Owls, who play in the Friendly Nearby Neighbors Division, with some cash or draft picks and a CRISPR coaching facility thrown in.”

“Each team’s allowed one in-uniform geneticist on their bench during games, Tim. But I’ve heard many Clubs are already sending birddogs to some of the maternity wards in those Clubs’ restricted districts.”

“First it was the statisticians, but now it’s the biologists who are improving our game, Bob. But the Tacos might also go the acquisition route and make a hostile offer for one of the Midwestern Teams That Nobody Cares About Division — where the Pirates, Rangers, Tigers, Rockies, and Riverfires all plan to avoid winning.”

“By the way, Tim, the Riverfires last week announced they would change their name again, to the Cleveland Grovers, to eliminate a perceived insult to their city”

“Another controversy! Back to baseball -- we might also see some signings from the Fantasy Camp Invitational Tournament, which was won last season by a group of ear, nose, and throat physicians from Potomac, Maryland.”

“Well, Tim, no one expected New Mexico and West Virginia to go this far last year, did they?”

“Bob, everybody talked about the Yankees being a lock, particularly after Mr. Steinbrenner VI traded two minor league prospects to the Cubs for a 12-win call option for delivery on the interdivisional game exchange in August. But the smart money was, once again, on the Phillies.”

“Why wouldn’t it be? They’ve won it all four years in a row now, Tim, ever since BT Wolfensohn negotiated their cash buyout of the New York Mets. We’re talking dynasty, here.”

“I agree, Bob. It all goes to show that baseball is back, and it’s better than ever.”

“Unless unreasonable player salary demands kill it first, Tim.”

“That’s right, Bob – wait! Here’s a story that just came over the wire! The descendants of Dr. James King, who was born Oliver Folsom Cleveland, Grover Cleveland’s illegitimate child by way of rape, have sued MLB over the appropriation of their family name!”

“Well, that’s something that bears watching. But now, it’s time for today’s first pitch, and here comes our honored guest now to throw it out —”

“He's still the most popular man in baseball today — listen to this crowd! I don’t know how you don’t get goosebumps, Tim.”

”Yes, he is, Bob ... they’re wheeling him out now — ladies and gentlemen, the embodiment of our National Pastime, the cryogenically preserved remains of Ted Williams!”

“You know what they say, Tim. There goes the greatest hitter that ever lived!”