Thursday, April 1, is Opening Day of the baseball season, a day of great interest and anticipation for we enthusiasts, and no meaning whatsoever to everybody else. From San Diego to Chicago to Queens, we wish the enthusiasts well. For everybody else, have a nice summer.
“Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m what’s left of Bob Kostas and I’m here with a computer-simulated Tim McCarver to bring you Opening Day of the 2048 baseball season, delivered to you in full holographic relief on the TikTok/Goldman Sachs/Draft Kings streaming network, live from Peloton (a division of GameStop Enterprises) Maglev Arena, ten thousand feet above beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. We have an exciting match-up to start the season today, featuring the Albuquerque Tacos Brought to You by Taco Bell (A Division of Pepsi Cola), who last year won the Teams From States That Begin With “New” or “North” Division and then swept their playoff Series with the Wilmington Amtraks, winners of the I-95 Corridor Division. They’ll be playing the West Virginia Virus Busters, who beat the Six Flags Rollercoasters in the new “everybody’s in” playoff format instituted last year. It’s New Mexico versus West Virginia and boy, can you ever feel the excitement here, ten thousand feet above Albuquerque!”
“Yes Bob, it's been five years now since baseball realigned its divisions and eliminated the DH in response to Attorney General Ocasio-Cortez's anti-trust suit, and the game is now more vibrant than ever!”
“As is evident from the special floating bleachers that have been flown in for this event and are orbiting the field as we speak. They’re eager to see a full seven innings of major league baseball! Unless, of course, one team is ahead by more than ten runs after five.”
“Well, that’s part and parcel of Commissioner Dana White’s vision for the future of the game. People were surprised when he first announced baseball didn’t need fans, but his innovative program of “virtual attendance” – in which viewers can watch the game using a camera positioned in the seat in which they would have sat – is a smash, as can be seen by the 140,000 avatars in attendance today!”
“A brilliant way to sell the same seat twice. But Commissioner White didn’t have as much luck with the second part of his program, did he, Tim?”
“No, he didn’t, Bob. People might have been prepared for baseball without fans, but they had a harder time with baseball without players, despite Commissioner White’s view that the sport could not afford them.”
“And the transition to androids and drones might have worked, but we were there, Tim, that fateful night a massive solar flare event caused the entire Cleveland Riverfires – as they are now known -- roster to burst into flames on the field.”
“It was a conflagration bigger than Disco Night, Bob, and a landmark in the history of the Club once known as the Indians, in honor of star outfielder of the 1890s and Penobscot tribe member Hugh Sockalexis. But in response to a public outcry, the Club changed its name to the Cleveland Jews, in honor of star shortstop and Jewish player manager of the 1948 Championship team, Lou Boudreau.”
“But that didn’t solve the problem, so after a few seasons, the Jews were renamed the Riverfires, after Cleveland’s famous 1969 conflagration in the Cuyahoga River. But enough history! Let’s turn our attention to today’s match-up. Tell us about our starting pitchers, Tim.”
“Will do, Bob. The eyes of the baseball world will be on the flame thrower New Mexico acquired from the Havana Marlins an hour ago, eight-foot, two-inch Bluto Savarkic, the Serbian Serpent, whose fastball now tops 120 miles per hour and is posting strike-outs at rates not seen since such legendary hurlers as Sandy Johnson and Walter Koufax pitched back before the record book was officially closed at the end of the Pre-Mutation Era.”
“And with a record of 35-0 last season, those problems with the war crimes tribunal don't seem to be bothering Bluto on the mound.”
“Bluto’s looked sharp in his pre-game warm-ups, but he’s up against the ace hurler of the West Virginia Virus Busters, who were formerly the Newark Boat People before the open relocation windows was instituted two years ago. That would be Buzz Benson, who is back from the disabled list after surgery to correct some software problems in his reconstructed right arm.”
“Shades of Pete Gray, Tim.”
“I was talking to Buzz a few moments ago, Bob, and he’s just happy that the patent infringement suit’s been settled and the arm could be reattached.”
“Yes, Tim, and he says the U.S. Special Trade Representative supports his position prohibiting the alternative operating system used by the pitching staff of the Tokyo Giants from on-the-field play.”
“Although it will be allowed experimentally in the last remaining minor league this season, Bob.”
“Which will let us see how Chinese fans react, Tim. But thanks to the Commissioner’s vigorous program of pre-game bodily fluid testing, we can say with certainty everyone playing tonight is human.”
“Which eliminates a repeat of last year’s bitter controversy involving Bizbop Fzztik, the first ballplayer to be grown out of the genetic material brought back from the Perseverance Mars Mission a few decades back. But that’s not the only baseball controversy we have. With the elimination of the old American and National Leagues, baseball’s lawyers have decided all sluggers with sixty or more dingers have to announce by Labor Day which home run record they’re pursuing —Barry Bonds’ NL standard of 73 or the 85 Alex Rodriguez hit in 2024, his remarkable comeback year.”
“It must have been JLo’s home cooking, Tim. But how about that zany Buck Belson of the Fairbanks Expos, who has announced he is shooting for 159 taters this season so he could unify the two titles?”
“No asterisk needed there! Only Baseball has that commitment to tradition, Bob.”
“That’s what makes it special, Tim. Now, let’s review the coming season for our viewers. All eyes are on the Albuquerque Tacos Brought To You By Taco Bell (A Division of Pepsi Cola). What will they do after last year, their best record since leaving Seattle?”
“I see them swapping rosters with the Juarez Walljumpers or the Winnipeg White Owls, who play in the Friendly Nearby Neighbors Division, with some cash or draft picks and a CRISPR coaching facility thrown in.”
“Each team’s allowed one in-uniform geneticist on their bench during games, Tim. But I’ve heard many Clubs are already sending birddogs to some of the maternity wards in those Clubs’ restricted districts.”
“First it was the statisticians, but now it’s the biologists who are improving our game, Bob. But the Tacos might also go the acquisition route and make a hostile offer for one of the Midwestern Teams That Nobody Cares About Division — where the Pirates, Rangers, Tigers, Rockies, and Riverfires all plan to avoid winning.”
“By the way, Tim, the Riverfires last week announced they would change their name again, to the Cleveland Grovers, to eliminate a perceived insult to their city”
“Another controversy! Back to baseball -- we might also see some signings from the Fantasy Camp Invitational Tournament, which was won last season by a group of ear, nose, and throat physicians from Potomac, Maryland.”
“Well, Tim, no one expected New Mexico and West Virginia to go this far last year, did they?”
“Bob, everybody talked about the Yankees being a lock, particularly after Mr. Steinbrenner VI traded two minor league prospects to the Cubs for a 12-win call option for delivery on the interdivisional game exchange in August. But the smart money was, once again, on the Phillies.”
“Why wouldn’t it be? They’ve won it all four years in a row now, Tim, ever since BT Wolfensohn negotiated their cash buyout of the New York Mets. We’re talking dynasty, here.”
“I agree, Bob. It all goes to show that baseball is back, and it’s better than ever.”
“Unless unreasonable player salary demands kill it first, Tim.”
“That’s right, Bob – wait! Here’s a story that just came over the wire! The descendants of Dr. James King, who was born Oliver Folsom Cleveland, Grover Cleveland’s illegitimate child by way of rape, have sued MLB over the appropriation of their family name!”
“Well, that’s something that bears watching. But now, it’s time for today’s first pitch, and here comes our honored guest now to throw it out —”
“He's still the most popular man in baseball today — listen to this crowd! I don’t know how you don’t get goosebumps, Tim.”
”Yes, he is, Bob ... they’re wheeling him out now — ladies and gentlemen, the embodiment of our National Pastime, the cryogenically preserved remains of Ted Williams!”
“You know what they say, Tim. There goes the greatest hitter that ever lived!”
