Pharaoh's Press Secretary

Archeologists at the Gamal Abdul Nasser School for the Study of Antiquity at Cairo University have completed the translation of a previously undeciphered wall of hieroglyphics in the tomb of Pharaoh Ramses II, providing invaluable insights into the administration of his regime.

TRANSCRIPT OF PRESS CONFERENCE OF

MS. BIRD BIRD ARM BIRD SNAKE,

COMMUNICATIONS VIZIER FOR PHARAOH RAMSES II

MS. SNAKE:  Good morning.  I’d like to make this comment about the rejection of Pharaoh Ramses’ offerings to the gods on Offerings Day yesterday.

Pharaoh Ramses accepts the results of these rejections and the will of the gods.  But Pharaoh Ramses wants to make clear that these rejected offerings did not come from him, but rather, from wazirs and priests in local rituals.  As you know, the gods often reject these local offerings when they do not come from Pharaoh himself.  Pharaoh is still completely committed to his goal of Making Egypt Great Again, starting with his triumphant efforts to build the Pyramids and combat the rash of plagues now underway in Egypt. 

Egypt has never experienced a challenge like these plagues, but thanks to Pharaoh Ramses, we are defeating the plagues and preserving our economy’s golden age.  When the rivers turned to blood, some people--notably the Scribes and the Scholars, people who don’t love Egypt--exaggerated the threat out of personal and political animosity to the Pharaoh.  But the rivers then turned back into rivers, despite many negative predictions by the so-called augurers.  There was then a rain of frogs and there were similar warnings of disaster.  But we can now say definitively those were not Egyptian frogs, and that they came from our great enemy, Babylon.

I’ll now turn to questions.

QUESTIONER ONE:  Let’s return to the rejected offerings.  In almost all of the principalities and domains in Egypt, the gods did accept offerings from wazirs and priests whose offerings were diametrically opposed to those of Pharaoh Ramses.  Is this an indication that Pharaoh Ramses has lost his divinity?

MS. SNAKE:  Nonsense.  Pharaoh Ramses is still divine and will continue to be. And he will continue his successful efforts to reverse and eliminate the plagues now attacking Egypt.  You mentioned the rivers turning into blood and the rain of frogs, localized instances on which you scribes continue to harp.  But the rivers turned back to water and the frogs went away, thanks to Pharaoh Ramses’ historic efforts.

QUESTIONER ONE:  But aren’t these plagues ample evidence that the gods reject Pharaoh Ramses’ offerings?

MS. SNAKE:  Fake divination!  Pharaoh Ramses continues to enjoy the gods’ unqualified support.

QUESTIONER TWO:  And now we have flies, unimaginable swarms of flies.  What is your comment on this plague of flies?

MS. SNAKE:   Look, we’re Egypt, we’re a great, great dynasty, and we’re going to have flies, we have flies every season.  It’s hot and flies like the heat, everybody knows that.  When Ra the Sun God lowers the sun in the sky in the coming winter months, it will be cooler and the flies will disappear, just like that.  We will have even fewer flies than we did before, the number of flies will plummet, just as Pharaoh Ramses has promised!

QUESTIONER THREE:  How does the Pharaoh respond to the Scholars of the Library of Alexandria who point out that other nations in our region, such as Nubia, Libya, or Sheba, have not had anything remotely similar to our plagues, and that the concentration of plagues in Egypt is evidence they arise out of the war of choice that Pharaoh has waged on The Lord of Hosts?

MS SNAKE:  The idea that these plagues come from some unseen and likely imaginary Lord of Hosts is an insult to the intelligence of the Egyptian people.  As Pharaoh has said, they should call him The Lord of Hoax.  Look at the evidence that Pharaoh Ramses has had great success managing the plagues--more people have survived plagues in Egypt than in any other country! 

QUESTIONER THREE:  A follow-up: How does Pharaoh Ramses feel about the disproportionate incidence of lice, flies, and boils among the Hebrew slaves? 

MS. SNAKE:  With regard to the Hebrew slaves, let me point out the Hebrew slaves choose to live in filth and squalor and make other poor hygiene and diet choices that leave them susceptible to these various ailments, be they boils or vermin or flies.  Moreover, the Hebrew slaves are doing essential work constructing the Pyramids, and the Hebrew slaves want to complete the Pyramids, which are so important to Egypt.  And that is why Pharaoh Ramses enjoys a record level of support among the Hebrew slaves.

QUESTIONER FOUR:  On the pyramids, how do you respond to the critics who say Pharaoh Ramses is by-passing the review process while building these gigantic pyramids, relying on approvals from puppet committees?

MS. SNAKE:  I can assure you the Pyramids will be built and that people will think of Pharaoh Ramses every time they see them.

QUESTIONER FIVE:  With the plagues being visited upon us, the Egyptian economy is collapsing.  What is Pharaoh Ramses’ plan for bringing the economy back?  And will he continue to impose imposts on imports of grain from Mesopotamia?

MS. SNAKE:  Remember that our stockpiles of grain were depleted by the previous Pharaoh, Seti I, or as Pharaoh calls him, Sleepy Seti I. 

QUESTIONER FIVE:  But Seti I built up the stockpiles in the first place.

MS. SNAKE:  And then drew them down, demonstrating his senility and confusion. 

QUESTIONER SIX:  Are we any closer to a cure of these plagues?

MS. SNAKE:  Our Scholars at the Libraries of Alexandria are working day and night to produce a combination of herbs, incantations, and sacrifices to Isis that will prevent people from catching the plagues.  Until then, Pharaoh Ramses believes what many priests are saying--that a regular program of prophylactic scorpion stings and snake bites will help people avoid catching the plagues.

QUESTIONER SIX:  But isn’t it true that scorpion stings and snake bites kill large numbers of their victims?  Most scholars dispute the idea --

MS. SNAKE:  Let me answer by disclosing to you that Pharaoh Ramses has personally been stung by scorpions and bitten by snakes under the care of his own personal healer, Arm Man Snake Wavy Lines Bird, and has shown no signs of side effects other than a tendency to wander in his public pronouncements and pay inordinate attention to people’s backsides.  More importantly, he is yet to experience any of the plagues. 

QUESTIONER SIX:  But isn’t the rejection of offerings associated with Pharoah Ramses a clear repudiation of his war of choice against The Lord of Hosts and his management of the plagues?

MS. SNAKE:  Nonsense.  Your question is the kind of divisive fakery that—

A messenger enters and gives a scroll to Ms. Snake, which she opens and reads.

MS. SNAKE:  I have just been informed Pharaoh and many of his viziers, high priests, and courtiers have been infested with lice, boils, and vermin.  Pharaoh’s Royal Wife, lesser wives, and concubines are quarantining themselves in the Palace while Pharaoh is being moved to the Temple of Osiris for observation.  The Pharaoh feels fine, and I know the people of Egypt are praying for – wait!  There are lice on my arm!  And boils!   

Here the hieroglyphic evidence ends.