Hurricane Iota

With autumn turning the blazing trees bare, the Thanksgiving turkey in the freezer, and Christmas decorations on the supermarket shelves, it’s time to settle back by the hearth and discuss the ongoing hurricane season. Hurricane Iota is now destabilizing Honduras, El Salvador, and Nicaragua in ways Oliver North only dreamt.

Hurricane Iota – think about it – more than an ecological aberration, it’s an Orwellian oxymoron.

Anthropogenic climate change is now understood by most everyone save those political leaders who would have told Superman’s father Krypton was going to be just fine. One of them deserves special mention -- Oregon State Senator Fred Girod, a climate denier who once walked off the State Senate floor to deny the quorum needed to pass carbon cap-and-trade legislation. During the current spate – or is it a pandemic -- of wildfires, he returned home to find his treasured, woodland “forever home” burned to the ground. In an exemplary burst of consistency, he blamed the dispossessing conflagration not on climate change, but on the forests, which he noted are full of wood just lyin’ on the forest floor, itchin’ to burn. It’s as if the rising ocean swept through the gates at Mar-A-Lago, strolling the grounds and frequenting the ballrooms like a dues-paying guest, but ownership (didn’t say his name!) then blamed the ocean, which is “full of water.”

At least the Girod fire story offers the pleasure of schadenfreude. A more gripping sign of the planet’s descent into incontinence is the increase in the number of tropical storms – 30 this year, a record that will stand as long as Bonds’ 73 home runs, although both outcomes can be considered juiced. As even small children understand, a warmer atmosphere holds more water vapor and a warmer ocean supplies it, giving rise to larger and more powerful storms, as well as wash that doesn’t dry as quickly and a pandemic – or is it a spate? -- of frizzy hair.

The best indicator of the severity of this problem is that NOAA, the government’s official presence for matters of climate and weather, reached the end of its annual alphabetical list of names for this year’s Atlantic storms two months ago To be fair, the list is actually 21, not 26, names long – Q, U, X, Y, and Z are omitted, in deference to people named Queenie or Xavier, who have suffered enough. NOAA’s response was to call up the Greek alphabet, but only the first eight letters -- that’s up to theta, for you English majors. This was an optimistic limit, since it took place on September 17, and the number of storms that occur in mid-October over the last century has been greater than that in mid-August. Predictably, Iota is the ninth letter. Fortunately, the Greek alphabet offers depth – it has 15 characters left.

But Greek letters are cold and impersonal, better applied to statistical measurements and radiation than real world catastrophes. Moreover, they are ill-suited to their primary purpose – to personify their devastation they cause. Katrina forced thousands into the Superdome where, according to one presidential parent, they had it better than they did in their own homes. Sandy was so consequential that a grateful Governor Christie kind-of-hugged President Obama, which kind-of-led to the end of his Presidential run and the beginning of his successful new career as a sap. But there’s no dignity in saying your basement was flooded by Hurricane Omicron, or that the steeple of your church was blown over by tropical storm Nu. And Hurricane Omega sounds like a movie starring The Rock.

Aren’t there better alternatives? The first to describe the post-alphabet terrain is, of course, Dr. Seuss, in his visionary classic, On Beyond Zebra. In that opus, a boy named Conrad Cornelius O’Donald O’Dell becomes the linguistic Edmund Hillary (or, perhaps, Tenzing Norgay), the first to summit the letters beyond ‘z,” such as Yuzz, Wum, Um, and Quan. Hurricane Yuzz? Too onomatopoeic.

But then what? The Hebrew alphabet comes to mind, but it has problems. For example, a “b” (“Bet,” sometimes “Bait” or “Beth”) could be a “b” or a “v” and a “p” a “p” or an “f” depending on whether it has a dot, what word it’s in, and the day of the week. The Russian Cyrillic alphabet also comes to mind, but its first eight letters ---a, be, ve, ge, de, je, jo, and ze – are lousy names for storms, although that could just be disinformation.

There is a better alternative available to NOAA – using the common names of pet dogs. First and foremost, it can be done. An initial take might include; Astro, Buck (a nod to Jack London), Casey, Duke, Eddie, Fala, Ginger, Hunter, Itsy, Jinx, Killer, Lady, Milo, Nero, Otis, Pepper, Rex, Sam, Tramp, and Winnie. Following NOAA, the list elides Q, U, X, Y, and Z – Queenie can only take so much, although Victor, a malamute puppy who lives down the street, took umbrage at the omission. And it’s not the first tragedy to befall (Old) Yeller.

Sure, Hurricane Fido lacks a certain gravitas, but…compared to what? This year saw Hurricane Isaias, the Iberian version of the name Isaiah. Granted, there are (some) real people named Isaias – Isaias of Constantinople ruled that distant outpost in the fourteenth century, and Isaias Afwerki is the President of Eritrea, a more consequential post than the Mayor of South Bend, Indiana or Wasilla, Alaska. But when you say “My home was destroyed by Hurricane Fido,” your respondent can say, “That’s a bitch!,” although they might wonder if you were talking about a hurricane or a pet with distemper.

Hurricane dog names would take headline writers and TV weathermen everywhere to new heights of bad taste. “Rex Pees on Gulf,” “Bowser Rolls Over the Outer Banks,” or “FEMA Cleans Up Pepper’s Mess” would be inevitable, even if in questionable taste. If nothing else, it breathes new life into the enduring “Dog Bites Man.”

Now, you could argue people sometimes die or lose everything in hurricanes, making hurricanes dog pet names shockingly inappropriate. Granted. But, consider. There are legions of Fred Girods out there who see climate change either as part of earth’s natural “cycles,” the work of a benevolent God, or an outright hoax, and dog names offend you? It’s a bad moment for the planet, but a worse one for satire.

2021 Publication Schedule

There’s been an average of roughly one book about Trump and his inner circle released every single day for the last 188 weeks.

Time Magazine, Sept. 8, 2020

With a defeat at hand, the leading figures in the Trump Administration have their tell-all books ready! Vitriol ® Press, America’s premier purveyor of literary frenzy, is proud to announce its schedule of major publication releases for 2021.

March

Anthony Scaramucci

“Did I Say That?”

Excerpt: “When I said Trump was a ‘blue-collar President’ I meant ‘orange jump suit President’. But I meant it when I said Trump was the President of the working man. I know, because I’m Italian and I’m a working man – I’ve worked at Goldman, at hedge funds, I’ve gotten my hands dirty. Of, course, it took me a while to realize he was an uncaring, disloyal, monomaniacal sociopath, which I suppose makes me either a transfixed, childlike groupie or a rabid, disposable Goebbels who had to be put down. But I will give the guy this. He showed me if you just kept talking, no matter how ridiculous the stuff coming out of your mouth was, people will pay attention to you. And that’s why I now intend to be part of the solution.”

Includes a minute-by-minute diary of Scaramucci’s eleven days in the White House!

April

Rex Tillerson

“The Dignity of Public Service”

Excerpt: “I was flattered to be asked by President Trump to be his Secretary of ..what was it?...that’s right, State. Yes, he was obviously a deeply-damaged idiot, but I was obligated to accept because of my commitment to a nobler cause – the avoidance of capital gains taxes on the $228 million in Exxon stock and stock options I had to place in a trust when I assumed whichever position it was, thus saving me about $45 million. Yes, this was not a great amount of money for someone who had been an executive in the oil industry, but it was the principle of the thing. The catch is you have to be in government service for a full year to get this deal, but I figured I could dick around with department reorganization for a year before they got wise to me, and I did, although there were times when talking to the Kushner kid made me want to take my eyes out with knitting needles. But when all is said and done, public service is a noble and dignified calling, and it was a privilege to serve my country. OK…done. How do you turn this tape machine off?”

June

Kim Jung Un

“I Left My Heart on the Table”

Excerpt: “I gazed into His Excellency’s perfectly tanned face and let my eyes swim over his magnificent hair, and I was suddenly lost in a sea of orange. I knew this was the world leader for me. He meant more to me than my uncle, more than that forward for the Pistons. Later, as we were together, quiet and alone, I looked up and said, ‘You know, that Stormy Daniels woman said it was shaped like a mushroom, but it’s more like one of our staunch, proud North Korean cabbages we occasionally enjoy eating, since we only eat occasionally.’ He was more than an Excellency – he was a Delicacy.”

Poster sized photo of the two Supreme Leaders enclosed.

August

Dr. Scott Atlas

“Dr. Atlas’ Medical Dictionary For Home or Office”

Excerpt: “The childhood diseases are widely misunderstood. For example, the mumps can be controlled by applying an ice pack to the swelling, 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off. Chicken pox are fun! Measles, contrary to old wives tales, cannot be prevented with a vaccine. Instead, if a member of your family gets the measles (it’s easy to tell – just check if that family member has been in physical contact with a Hassidic rabbi), the best thing to do is let your family develop a ‘herd immunity’ to the disease by sharing the sick person’s food and using their towels and toothbrush. When in doubt, always rely on this trusted medical precept – if you want it to be true, it probably is.”

“I keep it on my desk for constant reference.” Presidential physician Dr. Scott Conley.

September

General James Mattis

“A Time for Truth”

Excerpt: “Some argue I should have revealed definitively before the election my view the President was criminally unfit for office, as uncaring about global affairs as he was the need to button his suitcoat when he stood. Somehow, a few coy comments in The Atlantic did not satisfy them. But I had sworn an oath of fidelity to the code of silence that pervades the armed forces, and my commitment to that oath was so strong I held my silence even as the President tried to destroy root and branch the institution I swore to defend. But now that it’s all over and time to shoot the wounded after battle, I am relieved of my debt of honor and can finally speak the truth – the guy’s nuts, mad as a hatter. But my integrity has been preserved.”

With an Introduction by John Kelley and not much from H. R. McMaster either.

November

Kayleigh MacEnany

“Out My Ass and Straight From the Hip”

Excerpt: “’I will never lie to you,’ I said to the press corps on my first day on the job. It was a vow I kept faithfully. When I said President Trump’s pussy grabbing implied consent on the part of the grabbed, I knew it was true – how could it be otherwise? When I said the Mueller Report was a “complete and total exoneration” for the President, I was simply repeating what the Attorney General said. When I said the attempted rape charges again Justice Kavanaugh were verifiably false, I was on firm ground – if he had done that, why wasn’t it on his calendar? And who could argue with my remark that there’s “ample evidence of fraud” regarding absentee and mail-in ballots? Just look at it! It’s a mail-in ballot! How many times have you gotten the same piece of junk mail twice, even three times, or stuff addressed to “occupant?” As they taught us at Harvard Law School, Res ipsa loquitur, meaning “if you want it to be true, it probably is.” Or did my doctor say that?

December

Lindsay Graham

“My Friend, John McCain”

Excerpt: “Someone once said my string of self-contradictions and reversals has made so many heads snap I had the chiropractic vote locked up. Ha, ha, that’s a good one. Sure, sometimes I’d bristle when the President made fun of a guy like McCain, a man I loved when he was alive, in front of me, and buying the drinks, but remember, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. For example, sometimes when my Commander in Chief and I would be out golfing at one of his sumptuous golf courses he would suddenly call out, ‘McCain! How I hate that pig-faced bastard! What a failure! I wish the North Vietnamese had slapped some sense into that loser.’ Many people might wonder how I could tolerate such talk, but I look at it this way: I called the President a ‘race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot’ and he got over that, so how could I do anything less?”

Superman's Other Powers

I first met Superman a few years ago. He rescued me in a cable car accident – I mean, how stereotypical is that? We were all dangling there and I said (sort of to help the mood, which was getting pretty dark), “Gee, I wish Superman was here.” And a moment later he shows up. True story.

After he puts us down he asks me if I was the guy who called for him. (He probably knew and was just being polite.) I was a little reticent – l was worried he’d say something like “so you’re the little bitch on a ski vacation bothering me when I could be digging a canal across the Sahara?” – but he was totally cool with it and we hit it off and started to hang.

I’ve learned a lot about Superman in the ensuing years. Like, for example, he doesn’t think Tupac is alive or that Brady will win anything in Tampa Bay, and it turns out there’s a meteor out there that’s going to crash into Earth in about 17 million years but it’s not worth taking the trouble to deal with it yet. He’s like everybody else – he’ll put things off sometimes.

But the most fascinating thing I learned is Superman has “other” super powers. They don’t help him fight crime, though, so nobody hears about them. But they’re still pretty cool.

For example…

1. Super-empathy

He’s super-empathetic. There are a lot of girls who want to hook up with him -- he’s seen it all, believe me. But you can’t come on to him -- the way to his heart is by telling him about the failed relationship you just left. You can’t fake it, of course – what kind of a super-empath would he be if you could? But the Man of Steel has a surprisingly low emotional melting point.

I suspect he was hurt once and that’s where this comes from, but you can’t talk about it with him. I once asked him, “Is everybody or Krypton like that?” and he looked at me kind of pissed off and said, “How the heck should I know? I was a baby, dude!”

2. Picking the Right Line in Supermarkets

Nobody gets this right, right? The old guy in front of you can’t find his wallet, the harried mom with three kids on Ritalin forgot something in the back of the store, the checker doesn’t know what tomatillos are. It’s like playing poker with a deck of wild cards.

But Superman always gets it right. Sure, he doesn’t go into stores as Superman – people would be all over him and they’d invite him to cut in line, which embarrasses him. So he goes as Clark Kent. We were buying nachos and fixings to watch The Great British Baking Show one evening and I got on the 15 items or less line when he grabs me by the arm (just human strength) and whispers, “The guy ahead of you hardly knows where he is, and the checker looks like an idiot. Let’s go over there,” and sure enough, the guy stood there for ten minutes trying to figure out why the machine wouldn’t let him swipe, and by the time the checker straightened it out, we were already in the car heading home. “How did you know that?” I said. “Did you use your X-ray vision to look at the stripe on his card, or what?” And he said, real sarcastic, ”Like I have time to do that!”

In fact, he’s very good at guessing in general. Once we were at the TKTS booth in Times Square and we had to choose between two plays we didn’t know anything about, and I would have picked one about patients in a mental institution putting on a play for their doctors during the war, but thankfully he was there to stop me.

3. Floral Arrangement

You know that thing, Ikebana, Japanese floral arrangement? I mean, some people are good at it, but Superman – unbelievable. He just has an eye for balancing the spiritual and physical. And he gets all the concepts – the cusp between symmetry and non-symmetry, the use of space, the way he signals his intention through color, shapes, lines – all of it contributes to communicating the implied meaning of the arrangement. Or that's what he tells me – I just see flowers, you know?

“How did you get so good at this?” I asked him one day.

“Well, I had just finished fighting these mole people who had climbed out of the world’s deepest oil well. When I got back to my place, I was pretty beat and I needed a distraction, and I saw a program about floral arrangement on PBS. So I got started, and one thing led to another.”

But the truth is, although don’t tell him I told you, he cheats. If a bloom isn’t perfect or a stem looks weak, he can warm it up with his heat vision, and one time he had this orchid in the middle of his arrangement and I said, “I’ve never seen a flower like this before!” and he said, “Well, they’re quite common in the Virunga Mountains in Rwan –” and then he asked if I wanted a glass of wine.

4. Rhyming

This one’s incredible, because you can’t lay it off on his super-speed or heat vision or what have you. Superman can rhyme just about anything. I mean, you can give him a word and he can instantly rhyme it. You could just be sitting there and look at him and say, “Grocery!” and he immediately says “Rosary! No-sir-ree!” He just has this thing, a gift I guess you’d call it. Or once I said “Tachycardia!” and he said,

I want to get the part o’ya

That gives you tachycardia

How brilliant is that? And you know how nothing rhymes with orange? Well, once I looked at him and said, “Orange!” And he says – right away –

Foreign Jell-O

is orange yellow

And I say, “C’mon, that’s not a real rhyme,” and he says, “why not?” and I say, “Because it’s in the middle of a line,” and he says, “So, I suppose nothing in Hamilton rhymes, then?” And -- what could I say? – he had me. He really likes Hamilton, by the way. He didn’t spend $800 for a seat, of course – he watched it sitting in his apartment, using his telescopic vision and super hearing. Frankly, if he’d shown up, he probably would have been comped. He gets comped to a lot of stuff, and sometimes he takes it, but he still won’t go to Mets games.

5. Fresh Breath

Everybody has bad breath from time to time – they have some stomach thing, or a sinus thing, or they had a garlic pizza for lunch, you name it. But Superman? Never!

It’s unbelievable. I’d describe his breath as somewhere between mint and rosemary, a little sweet but still floral, kind of. The first time I smelled it I started looking around for what it was. And when I realized it was him, I didn’t know what to say. You know – complimenting someone’s breath like that, particularly his, it’s a little creepy. But then other people mentioned it and he came to me asking, “Like, is my breath oddly pleasant?” Oddly pleasant! He could eat a shit sandwich and they could still replace all those pine cone car things with his burps. Sometimes I even ask him to blow on whatever I’m cooking, particularly if it’s lamb.

And like he says sometimes, “what super power is more amazing than that?”